Initiation Sermon and Ceremony
Into the House of Flop
by Guru Rugu

 

[ necessary materials: swimming pool ]
[ optional materials: sparklers – to be held by initiates, and lit during their meditation by assistants; dolphoboros temporary tramp stamp tattoos – applied by assistants during the sermon  ]

 

Dear friends

 

I, Guru Rugu, come to you just 2 days after visiting
the land of Moroni, of Joseph Smith, of Brigham Young,
the land of Zion.

 

Upon visiting the beautiful temples, shrines, sanctuaries, churches, cathedrals, houses of God, and houses of worship there
and witnessing the missionary zeal, passion, ardor, love, fervor, fire, avidity, devotion, enthusiasm, eagerness, keenness, appetite, relish, gusto, vigor, energy, intensity, and fanaticism

 

I took the Latter Day Saints’, holymen, holywomen, holypersons, holycows, angels, apotheoses, exalted beings’ words to heart

 

and looked deeply into mine own heart, bosom, center, hub, core, nucleus, inner eye, essence, crux, nub, root, marrow, pith, substance, kernel – for wisdom from above, beyond, on high, out of reach, in the sky, in the stars, aloft.

 

What came was a deep message, piece of information, news, note, memorandum, memo, missive, report, bulletin, communiqué, dispatch, with even deeper consequence, meaning, sense, import, point, thrust, gist, essence, content, substance, implication, drift, lesson, that I’d like to share with you tonight.

 

Like this pool before us,
the message was deep, cavernous, yawning, gaping, huge, extensive, bottomless, fathomless, unfathomable, intense, heartfelt, wholehearted, deep-seated, deep-rooted, sincere, genuine, earnest, enthusiastic, great, sound, heavy, intense, profound, serious, philosophical, complex, weighty, abstruse, esoteric, recondite, mysterious, obscure, intelligent, intellectual, learned, wise, scholarly, discerning, penetrating, perceptive, insightful, obscure, mysterious, secret, opaque, abstruse, recondite, esoteric, enigmatic, arcane, puzzling, baffling, mystifying, inexplicable, dark, intense, rich, strong, bold, warm.

 

I welcome you, seekers, searchers, journeymen, journeywomen, travelers, discoverers, voyagers, adventurers, surveyors, scouts, prospectors, monks, brothers, sisters, cenobites, mendicants, friars, abbots, priors, novices, oblates, postulants, lamas, marabouts, shaman, to begin hearing this message.
Let me tell you about this message.
I came in the form of a sound
not a plunk,
not a plash,
not a plop,
not a swish,
not a slish,
not a splish,
not a splash,
not a slosh,
not a spatter,
not a splatter,
not a blurp,
not a blubble,
not a drip,
not a flush,
not a flub,
not a gish,
not a glorp,
not a guish,
not a lap,
not a spritz,
not a swirl,
not a whirl,
not a gurgle,
not a gush,
not a glurg,
not a glug,
not a squirt,
not a tinkle,
not a trickle,
not a zabun,
not a bashan,
not a smack,
not a splat,
not a thump,
not a gadunk,
not a kachunk,
not a kerplunk,
not a clap,
not a slap,
not a swoosh.

 

The sacred sound was quite clearly a FLOP.

 

And not only was this FLOP a message,
it was indeed an instruction, an order, a command, a directive, a direction, a decree, an edict, an injunction, a mandate, a dictate, a commandment, a bidding, a requirement, a stipulation, marching orders.

 

 

And so It became clear to me upon receiving this message that we have before us here tonight, within our midst the holy waters of Galilee, of Kinneret, of Gennesaret, of Tiberias, of Saint Stephen:

 

the Holy Waters of Flop

 

and so let us all who wish to become annointed, consecrated, blessed, ordained, hallowed, sanctified, blessed, subscribers, associates, affiliates, life members, card-carrying members, constituents, elements, components, parts of these Holy, Floppy Waters.

 

I ask you now to step up to the brink with only your toes reaching over the rim, border, side, margin, fringe, boundary, perimeter, limits, periphery of the pool’s edge.

 

 

Here we find ourselves on the brink
of something so sweet
of new promise
of death
of divorce
of bliss and insanity
of a bright future
of a precipice
of a new age of rage
of a financial holocaust
of a miracle
of a breakthrough
of a breakdown
of a collapse
of a dream
of an affair

 

on the brink
of an asset explosion
of an outpouring
of an extinction
of a new future
of a new year
of a new commotion
of a profession
of a revolution
of a world war

 

and on the brink
of belonging
of change
of chaos
of collapse
of darkness
of definition
of deglobalization
of eternity
of fame
of failure
of giving up
of greatness
of history
of heaven
of it all

 

and on the brink
of jesus
of love
of life
of lucidity
of madness
of manhood
of making history
of perfection
of paradise
of peace
of passing out

 

and on the brink
of ruin
of revolution
of recovery
of rapture
of sleep
of stardom
of something else
of sanity
of tears
of tranquility
of womanhood
of walking

 

So let us meditate on the Flop.
Before becoming one with the Flop, we must first learn discipline, control, regulation, direction, strictness, orderliness, self-control, self-discipline, self-government, self-restraint.

 

 

This meditation will prepare us for the inevitable.

 

 

[1.] Relax. Feet solidly on the ground. Hands out and flat to the sides. Keep the spine straight but loose. Stand quietly relaxed and notice the energy within you rising up the back channel. You might feel a tingling and a warmth or a chill up your spine…this is Flop Energy.

 

[2.] Bring the energy up your spine to the crown. Allow the energy to circulate.

 

[3.] As you place the tongue on the upper palate (the roof of your mouth), allow the energy to flow down the Front Channel, to the throat, past the heart, into the navel, down to the pubis and back to the perineum.

 

If you experience points where the energy will not flow…massage these areas. Feel the warmth and energy fill the area.

 

What you are striving for is to get the energy flowing in a upward/downward circle. For some of you, the energy will move quite slowly. For others, it will move quite rapidly. Bear in mind what is important is that you open these major channels so that energy can flow easily in either direction. When the circle of the downward/upward motion is established, keep it cycling.

 

 

Now we must use the following method to decrease the urge to Flop when you are at your brink.

 

[A.] Hold your sparkler with one hand - until you feel Flop energy stirring.

 

[B.] Inhale - pulling up the muscles in the calf and thigh region.
Again, imagine your spine is a straw sipping the Flop energy up your tail bone.

 

[C.] Exhale. Relax.

 

[D.] Imagine the energy traveling up your spine to your head. Try to circle this energy around your head.

 

[E.] Touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth. This is the door latch that closes and opens the front channel so that the energy may flow down the front of your body to your navel.

 

You may feel a blockage somewhere in one of your channels - either the Back Channel or the Front Channel. Again, if you are experiencing this, just massage the area where the blockage seems to be.

 

 

We are almost there.

 

 

As a final last delay before the inevitable:

 

[A.] Assume a standing position. Lean forward until you can lean no further.

 

[B.] Stop leaning forward. Contract your calf and thigh muscles while curling your toes hard on the floor.

 

[C.] Inhale. Squeeze your buttocks tightly and draw the floppy energy from the calves and thighs up the back to your heart and head.

 

[D.] Take short inhalations. Contract the calf and thigh muscles sending waves up your spine, undulating your spine back and forth. Continue taking short inhalations and undulating the spine simultaneously pulling the energy from the base of your neck into your head.

 

[E.] Roll your eyes up and backwards while pulling the energy up into the crown of your head. Your tilt should decrease.

 

[F.] Repeat 3 times.

 

[G.] On the fourth series, draw when the energy is in the crown. Use your mind and all your senses to spread the energy around your brain. Do this a couple times one way then a couple times in the other direction. You may feel a tingling like a chill, a shivering up your spine into your head. This tingling might continue as you circulate the energy in your head. What you are experiencing is something close to a mini-flop.
Relax.

 

[H.] When you feel the brain is full. Touch your tongue to your palate - opening the door. You will feel the energy flowing down the front channel from your eyebrows through your nasal passage, down your throat, to your heart and finally your navel. SMILE.

 

 

Congratulations! The flop you will feel is indescribable!

 

 

We are at that moment, the moment of Flop.
Welcome all to the temporary House of Flop!

 

Whereas many denominations tend focus on lack, seeing only filth and ignorance and depravity and emptiness and corruption and vice and perversion and deviance and degeneracy and immorality and debauchery and dissipation and profligacy and licentiousness and lechery and prurience and obscenity and indecency and wickedness and sin and iniquity and turpitude,
all we see is goodness and fullness and virtue and righteousness and morality and integrity and rectitude and honesty and truth and truthfulness and honor and probity and propriety and decency and respectability and nobility and worthiness and worth and merit and trustworthiness and blamelessness and purity
and most of all we see Water

 

This pool resembles the full world before us, and this fateful Flop our humble attempt meet and hug and embrace and cuddle and squeeze and clasp and clutch and cradle and to clasp to our bosom
it at full velocity.

 

On the count of 3, I welcome you all into the Temporary House of Flop.

 

1...
2...
3!